Note to Fitness First, American Express: uh, don’t you guys have a phone?

Source: www.kinneybrothers.com ©

Is there anything more crazy-making-with-a-capital-K than dealing with a credit card company? Or more depressing than a gym? How about dealing with a credit card company who won’t speak to your gym?

I have a monthly direct credit payment on my Amex to my gym, Fitness First. One month, a gremlin in the system means the payment isn’t received.

I call Amex. They tell me the payment has been made. I say that it hasn’t. They say it has. This sparkling dialogue continues over three separate phone calls to three separate staff members (who are quite possibly on three separate continents, but they were up with the weather and the cricket scores, so no complaints there). I am told to call my gym, ‘it must be their system’.

I call Fitness First. In between star jumps, they tell me the payment hasn’t been made. I tell them it has. They tell me it hasn’t. This sparkling repartee continues through two body slam classes and a pilates routine. I am told to call my credit card company, ‘it must be their system’.

I call Amex. I think Bill Murray had it easy with those groundhogs. I am told to call my gym and that, “just confidentially, we’ve often found them to be difficult”. Well, I guess if you’re not paying them, they might be.

I call Fitness First. In between boxercise routines and drawing a new tattoo, the spokesmodel tells me to call my credit card company. I think I’ve been on the phone so often and so long now, it’s almost like a strange kind of meditation. I ask whether they can call Amex and see what the system problem is. But, international fitness empire notwithstanding, it seems they do bikes that don’t go anywhere, not telephone calls.

I call Amex. They tell me to call Fitness First. I tell them that since they’re an international credit card company charging inordinate fees on my account, perhaps THEY CAN MAKE THEIR OWN DAMN PHONE CALLS AND JUST FIX MY PROBLEM!

The payment is made.